Happiness · is · a · warm · gun;

I've gotten over the Aaron situation, save for a few days that I feel down. In retrospect, I've realized that even though Franz hurt me in a more intense way, I can't believe I ever put Aaron before him. Upon great reflection of both relationships/friendships and how they've panned out, I realize how much more Franz is worth to me, even now. That may sound insane to some people. I get it.
Is it bad that I'm comparing the two of them? Probably. I don't really care.

I have a sick fantasy of running into Aaron downtown while with Franz, arm around his waist. Franz will shine his brilliant smile at Aaron and probably say something smart, quick. Tall, dark, beautiful, incredibly witty. Aaron would merely glower.
This will probably never happen; I can't even be sure if I'll see Franz the next time I'm home. But for some reason, this stupid image of revenge comforts me.

Two of the closest friends I've ever had. Both males, both wildly attractive in separate ways, both found a way to affect me in ways that I can barely explain it, all without being bound in a romantic relationship or title. I've gone from loving one to hating him to loving another to hating him to loving the former and comparing and contrasting. It's a sad, shameful cycle. My ever-constant, patient, wonderful companion Mackenzie only seems to look on my friendships with caution, a kind word here and there. He worries.

I understand.

---

I've edited and designed the fall 2009 issue of Opus. It was a ridiculous amount of work and I can't believe that I've finished. When I get the finished product in my hands, I may just cry. I put my heart into that magazine.

I'm ready for Thanksgiving break. I'm ready for my friends, for Ann Arbor.

I'm sitting in my bed in my room, streaming the new Lady GaGa album. It's dark in here. I need to go make some final tweaks in the Opus office and get a fair amount of homework done, none of which I feel like accomplishing. I spent almost this entire weekend hibernating in bed with Mac. It was needed; I simply require more.

When I'm cold and tired and don't know what to talk to or what to feel, a Bose SoundDock Portable brings me into consciousness.

I don't know why I haven't updated since I've been at school. It appears that I require severe boredom or a major life event to update anymore. I'll try to change that. Being at Hope hasn't been too bad; I really love my apartment, and although my roommates wear on my nerves from time to time (of course they will, I LIVE with them), my living situation is very comfortable. I leave campus a fair amount...this is not unexpected. My classes are all fairly challenging but within good reason, and I now have three jobs - editor of Opus, my mail room job, and very recently, a copyeditor for The Anchor, Hope's newspaper. I'm pretty busy. It's usually a good thing.

*sigh*

I feel like such a child right now. I'm about to vent about a personal issue to my LiveJournal. I've talked to numerous friends about it (Franz, Tre, Mac, etc.), but I still feel like getting it all out here will just be...better. No matter how immature that may seem.

Aaron and I got into a massive argument yesterday. I'm not going to go into all the details of why and how; it's not necessary. In short, I expressed some [angry] feelings that he became intensely defensive about. He insulted just about every aspect of me he could get his hands on. He claimed that I "bullied" him into changing his writing style (...what?), that he and I have absolutely nothing in common, right down to ripping apart Green Day's music. Because I love them.
...wait, hang on, really? He seriously spent a very fair amount of time explaining to me why Green Day sucks so hard because of their political views and how, in essence, I'm a bullshit citizen because of it. Anyone who knows me AT ALL knows that I like Green Day for the music, and in no way for their political connotations. He claims that I never paid attention to him or his political views, and that I was constantly shutting him down. Right. So me not ever really wanting to talk about politics because I just ... dislike it is a personal insult to him. Alright. He reduced all of our conversations to one topic - a complete and utter lie - disregarding anything meaningful I've ever spoken with him about. He reduced me to absolutely nothing.
To top it off, he passed extreme judgments on both Mac and Franz, referring to them as my "boyfriends." Yes. Franz is one of my MULTIPLE boyfriends, apparently, nevermind the fact that Aaron has never asked me about who Franz is, what has gone on between us, and WHY he and I are so close. He has absolutely no fucking clue, and yet he was clearly jealous. I don't understand it.

He insulted me in ways that were worse when Franz and I got into that big...come down, and that was for entirely different reasons. I feel absolutely gutted. I cannot believe how low he's stooped - what he called me, what he insinuated about me, assumptions he made. I've been there for him when no one else was able to. I suffered through thinking he was dead after he gave me a 4am suicide call. I've given him books, CDs, poetry, letters and notes, anything to try and make him feel more important and to show him how much I adore him. This apparently was all in vain.

I sat around most of yesterday staring at the wall. I didn't know how to react. I deleted his number, but wrote it down and tucked it away for emergencies. I broke down and texted him today; of course he hasn't responded. After his big blow up, he - very childishly - blocked me from his Facebook. He refers to me as a "little girl" in his argument, and then blocks me? How old is he again...?
I've sent him two e-mails in a pathetic, shaking attempt to defend myself from his bullets. He's either deleted them, not checked his e-mail, or is ignoring me. Probably the latter.

He feels like I used him. One of my closest friends, someone who understood and accepted my situation, someone who said he would do anything for me. He made me so many empty promises, apparently waiting for ME to change in order for HIM to change. He changed his mind about our relationship, didn't inform me, and he still feels used.

I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will. I am so broken from this stupid, stupid occurrence. I want to hear from him, I want him to stop being so angry. I doubt that will ever happen. He never reads LiveJournal, so I doubt he'll see this. Even if he does, I doubt it will make much difference. He's made up his incredibly stubborn mind about me. He's full of rage and hate, lies and misplaced emotions; he's not who I thought he was.

Why does this keep happening to me? Franz was different. Although it was after a long period of time, Franz came back. Franz realized where he thought he was wrong. Franz is an asshole but Franz gives a damn.

Aaron doesn't care. At least not right now.

I took his picture off of my desk. I considered burning it. It's just sitting in my drawer, and I'll occasionally open the drawer and look at it, turned upside down. I can't bring myself to get rid of him.

I ended up not interviewing at American Eagle; don't care.

My mind is everywhere right now.

I'm becoming dependent on Aaron, but not necessarily in a negative way. He may be moving to Grand Rapids soon, while I'm in Holland. I will cry of joy if this happens.

I still have the headaches.

I'm almost eager to go back to Holland. I miss the few friends I have there, and I'm ready to get back into the routine of schoolwork. It's also official that I'll have my car with me on campus; this is incredibly good news.

Franz was here this weekend. I was unable to see him; I am totally unaffected by this. He, on the other hand, seems perturbed. We're currently chatting, and all he's talking about is himself. This is becoming an amusing game for me.

I'm worried that I'm close to my breaking point with Mac. I think it's getting to the point where I may just need some serious "time off." I feel like a horrible person and I'm afraid of breaking his heart...and mine. It's all incredibly confusing.

I wish I knew what I wanted out of life. I have no fucking idea.

Life has been fairly good as of late; I can find no reason to complain other than having almost absolutely no money. American Eagle in Laurel Park called me today (left a message) about wanting me in for an interview; should be fun when I tell them I leave in a month. I don't know, maybe I'll get lucky.
I've still been seeing all of my friends very often and I love them all more than I can express. Sara and I had so much fun last night it was pathetic.

Life in general isn't really what I feel like writing about, though.

Aaron has somehow, for the first time in years, managed to carve out a place in my life for himself. I cannot explain to you how close I've become within in the past few weeks, it's remarkable. For lack of a better explanation and putting aside all of my guilt, he's replaced Franz, and I realized that recently.

This beautiful, brown-eyed, sickeningly brilliant twenty-three year old - this diagnosed schizophrenic, this former drug addict - has figured out how to put his hand over the hole Franz left on my being.

Franz hurt me in a way that I still find unimaginable; the fact that we are now (sort of) in contact is still strange to behold, considering our past and what a bond we had. He was the closest friend I had ever found outside of Mac, but Mac is a boyfriend, and that is a different element. When Franz tore our friendship apart he simultaneously ripped my world apart, as absolutely asinine as that sounds; I held everything on him at that point. Long story short, I've even FURTHER come to realize that what happened between he and I, the good and bad, has been a learning experience for me.

Save for the constant affection and sanctuary I find in Mac, I've always needed some sort of best friend. I have many very close friends, many of them females; none of them were quite the same as Franz. That's not meant to be a value comparison, it's just simply how it is. Since he and I died out, I've felt a bit emptier. Like everything was there, and yet something just wasn't fitting correctly.

Aaron - someone I've known longer than Franz, someone whose family I know and love, someone who I was once genuinely afraid of - has ... somehow fixed that. It's like my feelings that I had for Franz, misplaced, have found someone else to care for. I'm not sure how else to describe it.
He listens to me. He genuinely and constantly cares about what goes on in my life. He wants to know what's going in my head; he wants to share his art with me. He wants to return all the closest friend emotions I give to him, all the emotions I gave to Franz and very rarely ever got back. Franz even recognized this fact later on after he "patched" things up, recognized that I was "consistently better to [him] than [he] ever deserved." Even now, Franz and I rarely talk, it feels like. I can never find a reason to start a conversation with him; when we do talk, it'll be a miracle if he asks how I'm doing. He ignores my texts (which are indeed very rare) and simply doesn't reach out anymore... but it doesn't hurt. I barely even notice it happening.

After the years of chasing Aaron around, after hearing from him maybe once or twice in a 365 day period, after all the time I spent furious and frightened over his mental and physical states - he's finally let me in. That's all I've ever needed; someone other than my primary love to really, truly let me in, allow me to care for them in that way. I thought Franz had done that; I was wrong.

I am so grateful.

I should note that I saw Green Day for the fourth time at the Palace of Auburn Hills on July 14th. There was a lot of shit that went wrong, but I cannot complain - the prophet of my world, the voice that sings in my dreams was in front of me for an entire 2.5 hours. It was a beautiful night.

<3

Summer is still the same - still no job, still getting by with seeing friends. I'm reading a lot, seeing a lot of movies.

An online arts and culture magazine, Too Shy To Stop (www.tooshytostop.com), has taken me on as a writer. I'm not going to get paid, but hopefully I'll be able to write stories on topics I care about, and get published in the process. This is good news for me; I'm in need of summer tasks.

I currently have an absolutely sickening headache. I may go to sleep soon.

I've been thinking about Aaron a lot lately. It's probably due to the fact that we've been talking more often than usual, even if it's just a message here and there. I think I had forgotten about my dormant attraction to him. He fascinates me, even though he tries to keep himself very closed off [from me]. I can't stand it (he knows it); I want under his skin.

I figure I haven't shown any poetry on this journal in a long time (or on my other, for that matter), so here's something. This was the last poem I wrote in my most recent course, and possibly my favorite.

( I'll thank my muse in another life. )

*shrug* My poetry prof didn't seem to like it much. I was surprised, really. Go figure.

I'm laying in bed, swigging root beer and reading "My Lobotomy" by Howard Dully. The soldier moves away to Minnesota on Wednesday; I may see him tomorrow.

/thoughts

It has been two weeks to the day since my interview at Advanced Driving Academy. I have called to follow up two or three times, and each time I was rewarded a statement of "no decision has been made yet." I stopped calling.

I gave up on a job that I am absolutely 100% perfect for. I gave up the pursuit because I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, when I know that I am.. Calling again would almost undoubtedly give me a straight up "no," another blatant blow to my self assurance.

I'm considering giving up looking for employment altogether.

/depressing

My sleep schedule of late has been the worst it's ever been - I'm awake until 4:00 or 5:00am, and my body will then naturally wake itself around 1:00pm, if not later. I've now resorted to taking over the counter sleeping aids, which (as you can see) aren't really working. I dislike the schedule and feeling so counter productive.

Other than the constant uncomfortable nature of being unemployed (merely watching TV bothers me - absolutely everything I see on a television is a result of someone having a job), my summer has been treating me fairly well. I've been able to see many people that I adore, and the more it occurs, the happier I am. I've even gotten in touch with some I've been apart from for some while. An example would be Aaron; he and I have always had an...interesting sort of relationship. With everything he has to deal with within his life, he's a difficult person to track, but one that I'll never be able to stop caring about. I've recently been in contact with him, although it's been minimal, and it has brought a new refreshment to my current state. I've missed him intensely, and I find myself thinking about him more and more. Nothing is more satisfying than a friendship found again, if only briefly.

I'm listening to HIM, a band I rarely touch anymore. They remind me of Aaron, of summer evenings lost in photos I no longer look at.

In the same vein, I've come to realize in these past couple weeks that Franz is quite really of no interest to me anymore. He's become a bore to me; we hardly even possess the capacity to converse with each other any longer. He's no longer mysterious or interesting to me - just one-sided, still fairly self-centered, and, as ever, constantly awkward. I'd love to see him...although I won't care in the slightest if I don't. It is very clear that he, as always, has other "more important" things to occupy his time with, and has a mutual feeling about being near me. Seeing him and actually being able to talk to him may change my mind - but I know it won't occur.
This is a first for me; I'm learning to really, truly let go. Perhaps his actions have actually reaped a positive reaction.

Tomorrow I'm hopefully going to see Susan, and this weekend promises to hold a very much needed bonfire in Howell. I'm smiling at the thought. I am blessed with the most incredible friends on the planet.

<3

It's almost five pm. The job that I interviewed for on Friday, which I have thought I had in the bag, has not called me back yet to give me a yes or no. They said they'd call today. I'm getting anxious. Well, I've been anxious ever since I've woke up. I've paced around the house, I somehow managed to get three huge zits, and I've done a whole lot of nothing except stare at my phone. I'll wait until tomorrow morning, and then I'll call to ask.

If I don't get that job, I am going to be beyond depressed.

Franz is home for two weeks. He keeps telling me we need to get together, yet hasn't offered when. He's turned down anything I've offered. I cannot believe myself, that I want to see him. I'm attempting to ignore it.

Mac and I are having an anniversary tomorrow. I'm too broke anymore to even get him something at this point. Hopefully we find some way to make up for it, and hopefully I'm not too preoccupied.

I cannot stand these stagnant days. I cannot stand staring at my phone. I cannot stand being unproductive for this long. I've never had real problems finding a job - it's becoming a huge source of insecurity. Why has no one hired me yet?

Being home, thus far, has been almost entirely great. I've seen some of my best friends repeatedly, I've gotten ample time for relaxation, I've gotten to see some good movies, some great sports games, and I have tickets to a few incredible concert. This past week I was treated to Billy Joel and Elton John at the Palace, and it was phenomenal. I've yet to find a job - although I've been applying EVERYWHERE, but I had an interview this past Friday that seems very promising... here's hoping I hear back from them on Tuesday.

Now, with all of that summer praise out of the way...
I've been feeling introspective lately, and you can say that I've had a lot on my mind; not all of it is necessarily positive. It's a myriad of things, so... forgive the following ramble.

*sigh*

- I have an odd feeling in my gut that cannot make up its mind - whether or not I miss being at Hope. I almost have some sort of resentment that's grown for the past year. I feel sort of cheated by my friends. I really dislike being so, so close with a person(s) for a period of eight or so months, and then having them sort of disappear. As if nothing really mattered or occurred. You learn a lot about people when you live with them, when you move out, and when they begin to care about other people more than they did you.

- In the same vein, I feel like some of my friends here may even be a little distant. Actually being together, everything is fine... but I can't say I really talk to everyone too much outside of it. Perhaps this is just a result of growth, but I get tired of starting conversations that don't really go anywhere due to no ... input. I feel like I'm not being fully utilized as a friend, and in some cases, like I don't know what's going on in anyone's life, really.

- I also feel like some of my friends are using me and nothing else. I have absolutely no problems having a friend come to me to vent or to talk about what's going on in his or her life - even just to tell me an interesting story or whatever - but when I come to them and the favor is not returned? It hurts, and I feel like it's been happening a fair amount lately. The once best friend and now revived close acquaintance, Franz, is a prime example of this. He will sometimes try and ask about my life and everything going on, but it's almost always what's up with him, etc. I won't even go into the fact that he's been home all weekend and hasn't offered to hang out once; all I've gotten is a backhanded invitation to come to a movie "if I felt like it."

- All of this could be a result of me being terribly selfish, and not really seeing it. I know this.

- My relationship has become very strained and difficult to maintain, almost entirely on my end. I fear I'm dying out on all senses of desire, and this makes me insanely sad. I hope he's finally going to really, really start trying.

- Frankly I think I've hit that odd, 20 year old place where I'm unsure about everything. I'm unsure and sad about friendships, about relationships, about my family situation, about money, about school, about what I want to do with my life - and how to get there, and about all the decisions I have to go through. I'm normally very nonchalant; I take everything one day at a time, I don't plan too deeply, and I'm a generally relaxed person. Lately, it hasn't been so.

I feel out of life, most of the time - like I'm never really awake. I'm afraid of becoming an adult and losing my youth; I'm afraid of staying too close to a childlike mind and not being able to push myself into independence. I'm in need of some sort of high, something really...grand to happen. Something larger than myself.

I'm sorry it's been so long; however, the time I'm writing at now is quite appropriate.

Provided I pass each of my classes, which I don't doubt, I can now refer to myself as a college junior. I am halfway done with completing a Bachelor's Degree from Hope College. I'm not really sure this has quite...sunk in yet.

I'm sitting in my dorm room, currently alone. Susan is at a track banquet, Meaghan is off studying, and Terra is house sitting for one of her professors. About 3/4 of my things are packed to move out tomorrow; packing and unpacking, for me, are more stressful than finals. I know, I'm insane. I'm finally listening to the most recent Fall Out Boy CD all the way through - I really don't know why. I don't think they're very good anymore, but I feel like I should at least listen to the record to know what it's like. I'm taking a break from packing, although there's really not too much else I can do... I have to wait until my parents are here tomorrow since they're bringing boxes and all of that sort of stuff.

Okay I just got distracted for a good 10 minutes by www.picktheperp.com. Snap. Thanks for that, Joe, btw.

I've been really sick the past few days. It made my finals that much more difficult. Thankfully, I'm finally feeling a little bit better today. It'll be nice to just... get home.

You know, except for the fact that Michigan let me go from my job, because Chemistry is now "full-staffed." Even though my boss practically promised me I would get it back this summer, told me out-right. Even though it took him MONTHS to finally get back to me. Even though one of my coworkers was really wanting me back to help with the summer work.
Yeah, great, awesome. I am so, SO screwed. I need to find a job, and fast. I have over four years of clerical experience! Who knows of some place that's hiring?! =[

Besides worries of home... looking back on this year, it's been really good. I'm surprised I'm able to say that, considering how disdainful I was of Hope at the end of last year. Everything this time around has just been so much...different, and I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I have made some really close friends, had some really memorable times, and have been genuinely comfortable about the entire time. I'd like to think that I've also learned a lot this past academic year - academically, socially, and personally. I'd like to think that I feel older, wiser, and better. It's sort of odd to think that this is the last summer I'll be spending as a teenager. In October, I'll be twenty years old.

I've gained new friends, lost some, gotten in touch with some from the past... It's almost scary how quickly time moves around us. I'm not sure I know how to describe it. Life scares me. That's probably a bad thing to say, but it's true.

I'm going to miss this room - it's tall, wide windows, the high ceiling. I'm going to miss padding quietly on the carpet, through the hallways. I'm going to miss the calm found here in the evening. I'm going to miss the quiet glow of this desk lamp, how it looks in this specific room, and how it felt to write poetry at this desk. I'm going to miss coming back to this room and really feeling at home, feeling total comfort. I'm going to miss the sound of the morning passenger train - but it doesn't even compare to the glorious, heartfelt sound of the trains in Plymouth. Nothing compares to Southeast Michigan. Nothing.

I never missed Phelps 320. When I walk past it on campus, and I can see the window, I very seriously feel sick to my stomach. I never realized how much I loathed the place / the time until I realize how great I had it this year. I think that's all I have to say on the subject.

Next year, I'll be living in one of Hope's apartments. I won't be on a meal plan. It's probably going to be just as different as this year was from last. I'm glad things are improving, but I'm so tired of change... I'm so tired of constantly relocating. I just want to settle somewhere for good for a while (is that redundant?).

In other news, Green Day's new album drops on May 15th, and they're coming to Detroit about two months later. Dear sweet baby Jesus THANK YOU. I think that's the remedy to this entire situation. New Green Day. Yeah, I think that's it.

<3

Peace out, sophomore year.

I really need to update, but I currently do not have the time.

Briefing:
- Franz called me and apologized, profusely. We've been chatting on and off.
- I just got back to Hope from Spring Break.
- I need to declare a minor, but I'm not sure of it.
- A certain long red-haired lady and I had coffee for like five hours. Wtfawesome.
- I'm sick and tired of seeing everyone break up, it makes me SAD!
- I'm really, really worried about UM not giving me my job back this summer.
- I got stuck in the elevator in my dorm for five minutes, it was one of the most horrifying experiences of my whole life.
- I'm seeing Morrissey live in one week. Oh my God.
- Faaaat. Wait, that's not news.
- I'm compiling a portfolio/chapbook of my recent poetry. Please comment with your e-mail address if you would like a copy and feel like giving me constructive criticism and/or praise.

I promise to elaborate more in the coming days.

Notes, because I'm too lazy to organize my thoughts in paragraph form.

- Turned in my formal application for the Opus editorship today. Should be scheduling an interview soon, and soon after, being placed into the position.

- Hope is so much nicer that I have friends visiting me often - Annie was here last week for a few days, which was great because I haven't seen her in FOREVER and she's just damn hilarious. Tomorrow, I think Mike and Rachel Sylvester are showing up for a bit, which will be sweet. This weekend, my sister is coming to visit. HELLS YES.

- The more I talk with Kourtnee, the more I like her. I have a hope that we'll be good friends for a long while. We've got a fair amount in common. It's just so...refreshing to have someone to talk to who knows exactly where I'm coming from, and then some.

- My poetry class is so horrible, oh my goodness. -_-

- The new Depeche Mode single is out, and I LOOOOVE it. DMftw.

- I skipped two classes this week. I feel so counter productive hahaha. Oh well.

- I cannot stop listening to "Long Shot" by Kelly Clarkson. I feel like a fucking 15 year old. Music fail.

- I'm very seriously considering asking my parents to not buy me anything for my birthday and for Christmas and to just get me a Canon video camera. I want one that badly.

- Niki came by today and showed me pictures she got from home of us at SpringHill, years and years ago. I felt old. It's so crazy how she and I have found each other again in this environment.

- I fell in love with Darren Aronofsky all over again after seeing The Wrestler. In addition, I also recently saw Revolutionary Road, and adored it. I'm now reading the novel. I've also decided to now classify myself as a total cinephile, although I don't have the opportunity to study it in full at the moment.

- My life is awesome, pretty much. Well, it'll be really awesome if and when I get my summer job at UM back, we get into Cleo apartments next year, I pass this math class, and I have my car all next year. Then I'll be set. Yeah.

<3

I'm currently back at home for Hope's "winter break"; I leave tomorrow evening to go back to Holland. This past weekend has been... very up and down.

Mac and I aren't on great terms. I've declared something of a "break," because I've found his compulsive lying about EVERYTHING to be not only continuing, but totally unbearable. I'm sick of putting up with it, I'm sick of the same promises. I want to keep trying, because it looks as of right now that he really wants to change a lot about his life... but it's difficult to just keep giving him all of these second chances.

It's also incredibly difficult to have the gall to say "enough is enough." I haven't been able to.

I've been able to see a few good friends in the past few days, which has been nice. Getting away to Ann Arbor makes me realize how much I just want to get an apartment there and forget everything else I'm dealing with at the moment.
I'm currently staring at my room realizing how badly I need to reorganize absolutely everything, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I think I'm going to force myself to do my closet. Perhaps if I get one big task done, I'll feel better about tackling the rest over spring break/the rest of the summer.

I want school to be done.

I never update anymore, even though I think about it often. I'm not sure why neglect has become a habit for me.

Life for me is alright as of now. Nothing too new or exciting, but nothing outstandingly horrible. I apologize, for the I do not know how many-th time, for the last entry regarding Franz. Behavior like that is now a rarity for me; he barely crosses my mind any longer, and when he does, it's never that ... hostile.
Jill came up to Hope for the weekend (something of a last-minute decision), which was really nice. I love having people here to distract me from the bad taste school gives me. This coming weekend I'll be going "up" for the Otto Vector show and to hang out, and the weekend following I'll be going home for our mid-winter break.

My classes are difficult. I'm having a hard time getting myself motivated to do anything (for example, read a measly twenty pages for American Lit right now), and I find myself focusing on things that are not that important, or that shouldn't be occupying my time at the moment. I dislike being unproductive, and I try to convince myself that I'm not. Urgh.
Other than hard classes, school has been pretty good; I love the friends I have here. I feel like I hardly see my roommate anymore because she has a lot of coursework and is studying a lot, or is out with her new boyfriend. I realize that I go to CMU once or twice a month, but I feel like he's here every weekend, and she then ends up going there to spend 1-2 days, just disappearing. At the same time, though, I remember how I was when Mac and I first started dating; I get it. I'm probably just jealous, because I never get to see my boyfriend that much; it's too expensive. Having Susan and Meaghan and Nick around is great, though, and I'm grateful when everyone is together and it's not awkward.

I miss my cat. A lot. And Tre.

Mac and I are doing okay, but I have a lot of worries as of late. He's presented himself recently to be a compulsive liar, about little, mainly insignificant things. It's eating away at me. I've become paranoid, and yet, I can't stand it when we're "apart" for too long of a time.

Over mid-winter break, I plan to gut most of my room at home, instead of saving it for the summertime. We'll see if this desire actually holds true. I keep thinking about how much shit I own, how I don't need most of it, and how it's just taking up space. The thought makes me feel very claustrophobic. I plan to throw away (give away) 50% of my crap.

I need a kick in the ass or something.

I cannot begin to tell you how fantastic our New Year's party was.

I am convinced that I am the person blessed most in this world with friendship. I would be nothing without these people.

Mac, Tre, Marc, Tony, Calvin, Claire, Steve, Jill, Janine, Will, Sara, Zack, Lynn, Nick, Jared, and everyone else who was able to join us last night (even those I met for the first time) :
I adore you.

<3

It's almost 2009.

Wow.

I realized something very important this evening, driving home from Mac's place, where I was playing Trivial Pursuit with him, Nick, and Jared. It's a simple fact, but it weighs heavy to me right now: this past year of my life has been overwhelmingly good, outweighing most of my setbacks. And to become even more specific in my realizations, it really, finally sunk in that I no longer need Franz in my life, and I have become a much better person without his influence. It hit me. I understand.

I think perhaps I'll list reasons as to how I've been blessed, so that I can review them at a future date:
- The second semester of my first year of Hope was well-spent, although I was certainly ready to be...through with it. I have fond memories of being with Megan, and of building friendships as learning experiences.
- In the summer of 2008, I acquired the highest paying job I've ever held, in a real, concrete work environment. I earned enough money to buy my own laptop.
- In the spring and the summer, my friendship with Franz blossomed into something I valued heavily, and I cherished him in a way that I do, even now, really miss. I'll still look at the times we shared - him coming to visit Hope, nights at his place, phone calls that lasted extensively - as times that I loved with a friend who was incredible. Up until this point, I have viewed the demise of this friendship as a cold, bitter thing that made me both sad and angry to think about. I now see that I'm better for it; I know what it's like to lose something truly of worth to me. I also know what it's like to move on from it, and become more secure. I don't hate Franz anymore, nor do I hate myself for missing him. I'm at peace. (But it probably doesn't hurt that I've begun to fully realize how much more successful I am than him in almost every aspect of life. Oh well.)
- Moving into Cook Hall with a friend I hold dear has turned out to be one of the best experiences I'll have in college; I've met people and built friendships that pale in comparison to what I had before, and I am now comfortable, relaxed, and feeling loved. I'm so grateful for what I've gotten out of Hope this past semester.
- This past year I've realized (for now), through working with Opus, that being a textual editor is my dream. I am now being trained to become the editor of a collegiate literary magazine. I am ecstatic, and honored.
- I've been able to spend more time with my sister this past year that I can ever remember, and I couldn't be happier. Being a "generation behind," I've never really known what it's like to be close to an immediate family member, and I now feel that I know.
- I have become more sure of myself, of my friends, of my surroundings, and of my stances in life. I am no longer really afraid to speak my mind.
- Although you could argue that this past year has been "on and off" for he and I, Mac and I will be celebrating(?) our 4-year anniversary in the coming May. This, I consider, is an achievement at our age.
- Each time I see one of my "high school" friends, I realize how deeply I love them. Singing in the car with Tre and being ridiculous the other night brought memories back to me that I've missed. I am so, so sickeningly grateful for these people that I have in my life.

That being said, Mac and I are throwing a fabulous formal party tomorrow with 20+ guests, and I am so excited I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I cannot think of a better way to ring in the new year, and I'm ready to take on what it brings to me.

After all.

Green Day's new album will be released.

<3

Being home for Christmas break has proven to be not utterly fantastic, but also not horrible in any sense. I spent the first week working at U of M, but also being sick (missing two days of work). The work I was blessed with was ... an interesting shift from what I was doing in the summertime. I spent most of my time inside a disgusting storage room, going through individual files and sorting them for purging. I then re-organized the entire student file system. Shame that's only about 1/3 of the "systems" within the room.

The good news, however, is that the department administrator told me straight out that I "should have no problem getting a job next summer." This is ridiculously fantastic, even if it's crappy work (who knows where they'll put me this time), because I need the money that badly. This is life when your mother takes all the money you've ever worked for and pays for school with it. If I had kept most of my money since starting at Salon|Anew up until now, I would have about 15-20 grand. I have maybe $100 in my bank account right now.

Anyway, besides work, I've been trying to just...relax during break, although that's near impossible with my psychotic mother. I've come to the conclusion that there is something seriously wrong with her, in terms of mental health. I know it sounds preposterous, but you know it's bad when Mac's family and friends (of adult age, with children) tell me that they feel bad for me because of how my mother treats me, and how they tease me for it.
I don't think anyone really understands, save for maybe my siblings. I'm no perfect daughter - I make many mistakes, and I act very immature at times. But at times, I think there's literally no excuse for some of the things she says to me, some of the actions she places on me. I'm close to 20 years of age, and I still have a very strict curfew...I'm not allowed to have my car at school...my boyfriend of nearly 4 years is not allowed in my room, or to BUY ME A DRESS for Christmas...my bank account is monitored by my parents...I am constantly reprimanded for purchases that aren't "needed," although they very rarely occur...I'm not allowed to drive very far distances or in bad weather because I'm "inexperienced," even though I've had my license since I was seventeen...
I could keep going on. I should stop. It makes me really, really sad, and insanely jealous. I am so tired of being told "this is your life, this is how you MUST deal with it. You don't have a choice." I get so close to literally losing it, and leaving forever, although I doubt I could survive.

Switching gears.

Christmas was nice - as much as my brother and sister-in-law can be dicks, I like having them around. They make my home situation somewhat...easier, I guess. The same goes for my sister and brother-in-law, although I'm around them much more often (thank God).
On Christmas I received:
- an portable 360g hard drive with a case
- autograph from Belle and Sebastian (thanks, J and Anne)
- some jewelry
- a fair amount of clothing
- an epic Edgar Allan Poe action figure
- SLAP BRACELETS!!!
- stationary
- two pairs of shoes I really wanted (make that three pair, Mrs. Holland got me some)
- candy
- "common usage errors in the English language" daily calendar
- a watch
- a new wallet (from Cris and Scott [Mac's brother and sister-in-law])
And I think that's about it. It was overall very nice, and I'm grateful for everything I got. Even though my mom still referred to me as a "selfish brat," but, whatever.

I spent most of yesterday at Mac's house for Christmas dinner, etc. It was nice - although I still feel somewhat awkward around his family, I feel a lot more ... at home, and welcomed there than I do in my own house. There's so much love and little to no hostility - everyone there genuinely cares about one another, and I've never seen a real fight. I'm jealous of that family. I'm jealous of what a good person Mac is (and how everyone sees it, except my mother), and of the relationship he has with his family.

I'm going to stop being depressing now, haha.

I haven't been able to see too many of my friends yet, save for Jill a few times; hopefully that will be changing within the next few days, and hopefully our New Year's party is fantastic.

<3

- My house is always freezing. I feel like I'm in an ice box.

- Going back to work at UMich Chem today sucked pretty bad, but I really can't complain, considering I'm getting paid (well I guess I can complain, considering my parents take all of my money for school). I had to sit by myself in a very dirty, very disorganized storage room and sort through literally thousands of files - one by one, reading into details - for purging. I have to do this for eight hours everyday, all week. Oh, and the room is supposedly infested with cockroaches. Great.

- My mother is already starting to wear on my nerves. Big time.

- I'm sick and tired of always having to think of ways to make everyone happy, when I can never find ways to make myself happy. I can never win. I'm tired of my mother always calling me "selfish" when she doesn't get her way - I don't care if I sound arrogant, I am one of the least selfish people I know.

- I gave into my thoughts and wrote Franz one "last" note, because I know he's back in town right now. I even went so far as to say "I miss you, I'm sorry, I'm willing to just ... start over. Here's my number, just please call me." No response. No call. I didn't expect anything, I just suppose I wouldn't have minded. Hi, closure. Good to finally meet you.

- Did I mention I'm absolutely freezing?

- I'm still worried that I didn't pass Macro. Fuck.

- I really hope my New Year's Eve party works out well, and that my mom doesn't shit bricks or something. Although I wouldn't be at all surprised if my plans blow up in my face. *sigh*

- Wall-E is still one of the greatest movies I've ever seen.

- I sort of want to be back at school. Not in a huge way, but in minor ways. I really miss Susan (and everyone else, of course). And being with Mac is much easier and more care free, although much more spread out in time. Also, is it too early to say that I would be alright with spending my life with him? Oops, there, I said it. Go ahead and shoot me.

- I worry about the future too much. On a daily basis I think about how I'm not going to have enough money after college to move out of the house, and that scares me shitless.

fin.

I'm at home. This needs a big update; a fair amount has happened (epic norovirus outbreak - closing school, live NIN, the amazing ness / occasional not so amazing ness of my new college friends), but that'll occur later.

All I want right now is to get in my car, drive to Joy and Hix, park in the front, buzz #204, walk up the stairs, and collapse on Franz's carpet in front of his tv. We'd talk about how there's nothing to do, pick a movie to watch, and spend the rest of our time watching movies, dying hair, exchanging back scratches, and driving to Meijer, listening to really loud Mute Math.

But oh, wait. LIGHTBULB.
#1: Franz is a big, ridiculously ignorant asshole.
#2: He doesn't fucking live here anymore; that apartment is probably empty.
#3: We don't talk anymore. Ever.
#4: He never apologized to me, for anything.

And this the part where I start laughing.

Holy shit, I am so excited to be back home and to see all of the loves of my life this weekend.

<3

Woke up feeling disgusting.
Barely made it through one hour of work and two classes.
Tried to go to another shift of work, lasted about a half an hour.
Got sexually harassed on the way back into my dorm by some punk rock kids who apparently think they're hot shit. That was just awesome. Did a lot for my already fucked up self-image.
Went to sleep.
Didn't go to dinner.
Realized I'm part of the group of Hope's campus that has contracted a "norovirus," much like the stomach flu.
Spent my entire afternoon / evening avoided by my friends and quarantined in my room. Alone. With nothing to do and no one to really talk to.
Sitting here alone, will be alone furthermore because Terra thinks it's better if she just sleeps in the suitemates' room.

I'm actually feeling a lot better; I think I'm out of the sickness. But who fucking cares.

I think I'm going to skip everything tomorrow just because I feel so depressed in the first place.

On top of it, the room is a fucking mess and my parents are supposed to come up this weekend. I haven't eaten anything since noon. I'm dying of heat. All I want is to talk to Mac, but that seems impossible.
Did I mention that we were "broken up" for a day or two due to his foolishness? Yeah. Who gives a fuck. Everything about what happened is still bothering me, but I don't ever care to talk about it. I'm not sure anyone would really ask, either.

I'm not looking for any pity. I'm just fucking tired of #1 being treated like I have leprosy and #2 wishing I was somewhere other than here.

I think I'll just go sleep it off, if I can even get to sleep.

I'm grateful for what I have.

I need to tell myself that every single day.

I. Am. Lucky.
I. Am. Going. To. Succeed.